I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
