you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
