I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
