He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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