I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
