i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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