The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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