Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
