Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
