Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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