i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
