Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
