Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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