Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
