and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
