none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
