it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
