Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
FUCK WHALES
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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