Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
