Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
