I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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