remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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