New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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