I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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