I showed him my bush... on skype.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
