Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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