My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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