you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
