Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
