Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She's the barista slut.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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