i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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