i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
