You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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