I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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