Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
