I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
