I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
