My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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