I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
