Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
