Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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