god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
