My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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