so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
