I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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