i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
