New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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