For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
