i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
