Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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