Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
