im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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